A few years ago, maybe 2 or 3, I embarked on a huge journey. Not of self-discovery, the jourey of self-discovery led me to it, but it was that and more. When i realized i could actually stop and think about my actions and that i had the POWER to change my view of the world, the way i reacted and what i chose to act upon, my entire life was transformed. When i realized that by reading books, looking at art, watching movies, i could dive into another persons universe, i could learn what they have spent their entire lives learning (not as deeply though- but at least have a taste of it) i realized that i really did own my life. My bad habit of victimizing myself suddenly had no reason to be, so it ceased to exist. From that point on i wouldnt let myself fall into the hands of submission, i no longer accepted `its not my fault, its the world, its you`, i disciplined myself not to point fingers...still do, im still on that journey. But im finally building the courage, and i think ive come far enough to synthesize this into words, into artwork.
Its a very touchy issue to talk about self discovery, i think. Because depending on how far you go on that journey, you always end up speaking about the meaning of life- of the universe, which ultimately leads into religion.
I cant say i studied all religions in the world, or that i have this extensive research of all of them, but i naturally followed my impulses and looked something up, or read a book, when a subject sparked my interest. When i moved into an apartment in Salvador, my sister found a collection of books inside a chest in her room, and i thought- why not- abandoned books. I looked through them and picked a few. I dont think i touched them for the next few years. But when i began searching for `the meaning of life` consciously, i turned to two of them. One of them which was a book by Osho and another was a collection of Buddhist writings.
I had read a bit about buddhism before but i had never thought of applying anything to my life. I think the earliest time in my life when i decided to do something related to spirituality was when i printed out this extensive article on how to develop ESP (extra-sensorial perception). It was in 7th grade and i had heard a few girls talk about Wicca next to me, and they talked about ESP everyday, it was really `cool`. So i tried meditating a few times (i rarely got time alone when i was that age) but as usual it got washed up into the rest of my life at the time. I remember right around that time I was about to move schools and i had just had a huge fight with my best friend- we actually spent years without talking to each other, we did reconcile but the friendship never got back on is feet, we both went very different ways. So the interest subsided and during that time only came up when the serious discussions of life's meaning came up in a conversation with friends. After these we usually laughed at ourselves and thought "woah we're being too serious- lets stop here". Which is very common, especially with people at a young age, `lets avoid the really deep subjects and live a lighter life` (that might be changing though who knows).
After i went back to Brazil, the culture shock was so huge that i desperately seeked for any way out. I would work for hours on things, i began to sew, play guitar, make videos, write music, take pictures, i did anything that made me feel less bottled up. This was when i realized how big a pool of information the internet is. I remember the first time i began searching for a reason of being unhappy and unsatisfied with life i googled `the meaning of life`. Seems funny now, but it was something i used to do feeling sort of rogue.
From then on i switched from making things into receiving info, i stopped painting, writing, sewing, photographing. Not all of a sudden, but the urge to express myself constantly decreased with time. Simultaneously, my info intake increased tremendously. There was not one night where i wouldn't exhaust myself reading articles, blogs, books about finding a path to happiness. I would find the same things over and over, and sometimes different ideas. But all that suddenly changed after i had a chat with a friend and he told me "you're the only thing holding yourself back" and decided that from then on i would change the way i acted during my day. I had closed myself to everything and everyone around me, and i had no idea at the time that it was impossible for me to be happy inside a bubble with just myself. I slowly discovered that my interaction with others and the world around me was what made my feelings fluctuate...what made my life go forward.
I dont think ever since that time around 2007-08 i sat down to write something very real to me. I am doing it again, im deciding to change. And i know this has to happen everyday. We have to decide to discipline ourselves, to act upon the things we want to change. For a long time i thought i didnt have anything to write about, but i went to sleep with a knot in my throat and a hole in my heart. When i work i feel some of the pain is lifted, and i dont know why, but i keep myself from working a lot of times. Sort of like a self-sabbotage, that is my theory. I have come to the conclusion that it has a lot to do with self-esteem/confidence/appreciation. I never thought what i had to say was important. But the transformation has been so huge, that i think everyone probably, most likely, almost sure...goes through these rollercoaster rides.
During this time i extended my studies on ESP into spirituality- intuition. My initial interests on having psychic abilities were replaced by thoughts of moral issues, how to be a better person, how to make myself a better person, how to not want everyone else to want to be a better person hah, that gets tricky. When i opened up to this i felt a lot of the worlds pain, i watched the news, read them, looked up poverty online, i didnt even have to do that, just going out in my city, i saw children barefoot begging for money. All of this opened my eyes and put me in my place. I began to balance out my life, one of my first mantras were `i have it a lot better than most people` so that got me through the days, i could not let myself be spoilt when i knew a teenager my age somewhere else in t he world (or right next door) didnt even have food to eat, or a bed to sleep in. Sounds cheesy, but most of my childhood i spent oblivious to the violence in the world.
All of this brings me to this moment, when I'm sitting and thinking back all I've been through, there is still a lot more, but i think its a start for this blog. I felt the need to do this, and it was about time, i haven't let myself do this kind of thing in a while. So here it is, spilt.
