in conclusion

we don't know what art is because art is honest
and we can't judge honesty

that is why art cannot be judged

when the value of it is determined by other people
and those people dont have honesty as a principle
the whole concept gets mixed up until there is no concept at all

that is why we don't know what is art

only the artist can identify in his work when he is honest
and that is when he knows he has made an art piece

quero

Quero tudo novo de novo. Quero não sentir medo. Quero me entregar mais, me jogar mais, amar mais.


Viajar até cansar. Quero sair pelo mundo. Quero fins de semana de praia. Aproveitar os amigos e abraçá-los mais. Quero ver mais filmes e comer mais pipoca, ler mais. Sair mais. Quero um trabalho novo. Quero não me atrasar tanto, nem me preocupar tanto. Quero morar sozinha, quero ter momentos de paz. Quero dançar mais. Comer mais brigadeiro de panela, acordar mais cedo e economizar mais. Sorrir mais, chorar menos e ajudar mais. Pensar mais e pensar menos. Andar mais de bicicleta. Ir mais vezes ao parque. Quero ser feliz, quero sossego, quero outra tatuagem. Quero me olhar mais. Cortar mais os cabelos. Tomar mais sol e mais banho de chuva. Preciso me concentrar mais, delirar mais.

Não quero esperar mais, quero fazer mais, suar mais, cantar mais e mais. Quero conhecer mais pessoas. Quero olhar para frente e só o necessário para trás. Quero olhar nos olhos do que fez sofrer e sorrir e abraçar, sem mágoa. Quero pedir menos desculpas, sentir menos culpa. Quero mais chão, pouco vão e mais bolinhas de sabão. Quero aceitar menos, indagar mais, ousar mais. Experimentar mais. Quero menos “mas”. Quero não sentir tanta saudade. Quero mais e tudo o mais.

“E o resto que venha se vier, ou tiver que vir, ou não venha"
 
-Fernando Pessoa

pesquisa p/ cha da tarde

tapies

borrowed from here not a Tapies and not a painting
it's a wittily photographed wall

here

here

here

here

im being a good girl and researching the artists my teacher told me about that can help me with my work. one of them is Antoni Tapies. i found some  fragments of his work online, chose some i relate to most. i like the chaotic look of strokes and meaningless elements lying around. its interesting when they communicate with each other, funny thing is that as chaotic as they are, all of these feel very harmonized to me. it doesnts bother me. i dont like looking at something that bothers me, although that seems to be what some people want to accomplish with their art. still valid, but not what im going for. right now im just researching how color and forms can relate to each other without having to simbolize something or look like something. i just want them to have a long and interesting talk and be friends.

letter to myself

i know i do things that have been done, and that i discover things that have already been discovered. but it doesnt mean anything to me unless i go through the process myself. we hardly learn from others mistakes. i think especially in art, we must go through history at our own pace and go through each revolution ourselves before we can read a history book and understand what each artist discovered and why they chose to do things a certain way. so what if its been done before. i havent done it, so its new and innovative to me. to be revolutionary in the world and in history we have to first revolutionize ourselves and our path. i cant come up with something new from scratch. let me discover what has already been done my own way and dont take the value of what i learned away from me just because the idea had already been there. no one creates, so really all we do is discover. everything that exists is already there, what i am doing is a natural process of growth and evolution. understand that.

back on

I have been trying to watch less tv and only surf the web when necessary, so that i could use my time more wisely. Ive been doing this for about 2-3 months now. Im realizing that it is a good idea for someone as unfocused as me, unfortunately. Im reading Fayga Ostrowers book on creativity again, actually im reading 4 books simutaneously, 5 the past week (art history), and im so glad im back on that because i have been feeling more expressive lately. There is one problem, i dont seem to let go of time when im working, sometimes 10 minutes go by and i feel like stopping, like i have been at it for 2 hours. I know there is something wrong because i could work for hours on end and only stop to eat very fast just to go back right away. I think there is a lot i need to get out, in a very clear way. i think i have been choosing the wrong methods and ive been blaming everything i can and everyone and myself. Whats really to blame? My chatty mind with overlapping thoughts.

leap of faith

i asked to open a random book and read a passage that gave me advice to act upon.





pg 62

Fui a um médico, expus-lhe minhas observações, procurei descrever-lhe o meu mal. Ele as leu, fez perguntas e começou a me examinar.
"O senhor tem uma saúde invejável", elogiou o médico após o exame. "Fisicamente nada lhe falta. Procure distrair-se com leitura e música."
"Eu já leio, por profissão, diariamente uma porção de coisas novas."
"De qualquer forma seria aconselhável praticar exercícios ao zar livre"
"Ando todos os dias de três a quatro horas e nas férias pelo menos o dobro."
"Então o senhor deve se obrigar a conviver com outras pessoas, pois corre o risco de se tornar, seriamente, um misantropo."
"E o que importa isso?"
"Importa que o caso pode se tornar grave. Quanto mais tempo se passar, maior será seu desprazer no convívio com as pessoas e daí a necessidade do senhor se esforçar por procurá-las. Seu estado ainda não é patológico e não me parece digno de preocupações; porém, se o senhor não deixar de perambular por aí de maneira tão passiva, poderá bem perder o seu equilíbrio."

Watching part of Matilda and all of Inkheart today reminded me i havent been reading, i think the whole point of this day was to remind me to open up a book again. i have been feeling a bit empty lately and i figured its because i havent been exercising my imagination.

animal my SOUL

i tell myself to ignore anything that may keep me out of focus,
but am i really ever focused?
i am beggining to doubt that.
maybe what i meant to myself was
my focus in a bright future.

i tend to let anything get in the way,

it makes me think its because i dont really want anything so bad
that makes me work so hard for it.
that makes me insecure and scared.

im turning 20 in a month and i dont know what im doing.

i know a lot of people live their life without knowing,
but somehow that freaks me out.
waking up everyday to horrible news about death, rapes, car accidents and every other freak accident is beggining to scare the shit out of me.
when its sunny outside everything seems better, but all this rain gives the city a really bad smell and a creppy vibe.
i rush though everything when im not home.
i come in late and leave class early everyday because i dont want to be outside.
not that im paranoid, but its giving me such a negative feeling, an urge to leave, i know i cant now, so that only makes me feel worse.
theres no use in discussing something like this.
its one of those things everyone dismisses as stupid or unecessary.
the best you can do is shut up and live with it.

i guess i understand now why brazilians are so happy looking all the time.
they do it to cover up the fact that theyve lost hope in change.
theyve learned to live with all this stress and the best they can do is ignore it all and live their lives the best they can.
maybe this was realized by an earlier generation, and it all got lost through time and now no one really knows whats behind all the partying and living life at ease.
i rather not get involved,
i wanna be the oil in this body of water.
im mixed right now but eventually
ill come out on top.


watch=yFmTeGuhPa8

what the hell am i doing, still

a beautiful story by Keri Smith



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i've been working very often, keeping in touch with my self, my mind, my creativity. i feel happy about it but im more anxious then when i wasnt doing anything. everytime i stop working i think i should keep going, no shouldnt stop to drink water, or shower, or eat, or sleep, or answer the phone. no i shouldnt do the dishes or help my mom clean the house. it seems when i am most energized and willing to sit and work my eyes off, there are more " important things" going on that ask for me. right now i am working when they are not asking for me.
i want to gather my strengths and say no to everything. i want to lock myself up and not leave until i feel worthy of being a somebody.


18. Stay up late.
Strange things happen when you’ve gone too far, been up too long, worked too hard, and you're separated from the rest of the world.

a list of things that help

Friday Night

There was a time when inspiration would hit and words and meanings would pour out of me with no effort. Where did all of it go? Does the fact that i am working out my issues affect my productivity? So maybe it is true that suffering makes better art, because i find myself dry of any kind of motivation. I am eager and full of potential, i am sure. I read that it only takes a yes to do, but all i have is yesses and all i do is nothing. I keep asking myself if somewhere deep in my thoughts i am saying no. If i am rejecting what i believe to be most precious. I'm scared to find out the truth. No, I'm scared because i know the truth and my quest for it would be short and devastating. I know deep down it's my fault, no one has to tell me. Don't we all wish that all our dreams came in a box, and all we had to do was open it and have it right there for us? Maybe that wouldn't be as fulfilling. The best part is the journey right? So im guessing the best part of making a dream come true is not living your dream, but the fact that you did make it come true. The more we persist, the more successful we are, because those that quit do it because they are afraid of the challenges. Why do i do what i do when i know this?

my dog could totally play the part of a polar bear cub in a movie

Evolução

Estou naquela fase de sentir uma urgência para mudança. Vamos dizer que a cada 4 meses sinto uma vontade de me reinventar. Acho que tem haver com a minha falta de paciência e gosto pelo novo. Me entedio das coisas muito fácil. Quero cortar meu cabelo, pintá-lo, vestir roupas diferentes, escutar musicas diferentes, agir diferente e até conhecer pessoas novas ( com idéias diferentes, paixões diferentes, etc.)- frequentar lugares diferentes...com pessoas diferentes. Não que não quera ser eu, estou sendo eu quando faço isso. Se não faço, me sinto uma fraca, sem coragem. Esta na hora da mudança. Acho que puxei aos meus pais porque até eles já se entediaram dessa casa, vamos vendê-la e nos mudar para um lugar mais perto do trabalho e faculdade. Gosto de mudança, mesmo se tenho uma dificuldade de adaptar quando não é a mudança por escolha.

Gosto de escutar música neste site AOL Online Radio .

é só apertar em Listen Now e você escolhe que tipo de música sintonizar. Eu sempre escuto as décadas de 50 e 60. Me faz sentir feliz por ter existido um tempo tão aparentemente inocente.




Cabelos com atitudes que me chamam atenção- cada uma delas tem um estilo bem diferente, mas que eu acho inspirador. Se existisse faria um corte que expressase todos estes ao mesmo tempo.

Credits- muito Google search

Supah Freak

I went to the zoo today. Needs a lot done there but the animals keep all the visitors charmed, so no one really notices the crappy environment. All my classes were cancelled for the rest of the week and im relieved. Just as relieved as i was today after my test. Not because i was done taking the test, but because i drank coffee this morning and my bladder was super full, i couldnt even walk straight, and after a lot of searching i found a peeable bathroom. I've been having anxiety attacks, they are usually at night. Yesterday i freaked out, but i woke up this morning without a thought on my mind, except: shit i have to wait 2 hours for the room to open. I had less than 20 pages to finish my book. It frustrated me because i hate starting a book RIGHT AFTER finishing another one. Its not fair to the authors, its not fair to my brain. so i was going to finish that book in about 15 minutes and sit and watch people for the rest of the waiting period. So i just had to drink coffee. Plus it was staring me at the face and the smell sooo seductive, yes like sexually seductive, coffee can be such an erotic experience.




Theres just something about big furry mammals.

checkup

i look 15, which means im gonna be a pretty hot old lady /call me up in 40 years/ maybe with braces, two more years baby.
i keep wearing this shirt. this is probably the 3rd time this week. my other clothes seem to have vanished. laundry is a word that is no longer part of my vocabulary.

hands and feet is this semesters focus. im facing this as a child, everything put out there is an opportunity to learn.
the afternoon light in my bedroom has a bluish hue which is great for napping or stretching. i love my bed.

Dreameng

I dream too much. I sleep for hours, and when i finally wake up, i feel more tired than when i went to bed. I'm keeping a dream journal and i keep looking things up in a dream dictionary. It may be just like reading my horoscope, but i dont really give a shit. According to the dictionary, my dreams have a theme. They all point toward a "problem" in my waking life, which i am not aware of, but somehow i try to solve it at night through symbols, like scratched cars and dark kitchens. Well, as much fun as the fantasy dreams can be (riding huge escalators and having ants all over my dress) i want all of them to stop. I suppose the only way to stop them is to solve this problem.

BE BOLD i tell myself

Books and Such

I'm picking up this habit of downloading every book i want to read. I told myself i would read more this year, so i started a list of books that interest me. This was last week, there are already 10 titles on my list and so far i've read the first chapter of the first book. I'm so curious about them all, but i realized the hardest part about reading is not finding an interesting book, or buying/downloading it, its the actual act of reading. I downloaded this book called The Unbearable Lightness of Being, it starts out great. Im on page 10, around there, and its getting a bit scary. I have never come in contact with characters such as these. And theyre thrown at me so violently, everytime i start reading i feel a bit of anxiety, and i think, what an amazing writer................really, or is it just me? I'm not sure.

Bluh

i picked flowers last year during lunch. i needed somewhere to put them so i made a vase.

Im so sick of this.
its the 4th week of school, and my thoughts about it are already becoming dull. people are dull.

Today there was a assembly, to discuss this years student government, somehow someone heard that the school was recieving money from some institution and that none of the students would be taking part of the decisions of where that money is going, so a few students put together this meeting. I was thinking about making some changes in the school, at least physically, like cleaner walls, toilet paper in the bathrooms, materials. But now that there are people thinking about it im not really interested anymore. it should be the other way around. but i rather come up with the idea and have other people assess me, other than join a huge group and struggle to get my ideas through, plus be somebody elses little errand runner. fuck that, i guess its my lazy nature.

i know i want to go somewhere, but i dont know exaclty where, and right now i dont know how to get there.

i really need help.

with everything.

shitty weekend

3d Project Part 2

After filling up the tray i had to pick out a few leaves and shells. i have to replicate them on the surface, i cant carve in, so it has to look like its just sitting there, and not sinking into the tray. i started the leaf today, my back hurts so much, i cant concentrate when im sitting down so im standing for 3 hours. One great thing about this class is that you do "sculpture" and sauna at the same time, there is no circulation of air whatsoever. And the smell is just so pleasant. (this is me being positive)I picked one of these, i dont remember which. They all kind of look the same.

This is the view from the stairs, from the drawing and art history bulding, by building i mean two floors and like 10 rooms, the whole campus just feels like a farm (theres a family of cats roaming around). the white building in the background is where i take 3d, i sit right across that window to the left. And on the center of the picture theres a sculpture that, im assuming, was inspired by Degas, im assuming.

This is the main building seen from the gate. I didnt take this picture, it was borrowed from google some time ago so idk the link.


I want this all to go by really fast. All this begginer shit, getting to know your space and your tools. belhhhhhh puke on it.
I want to move closer to the school, its just too far away, the bus took about half an hour to come today and then it takes me an hour to get home. At least i have one air conditioned class to look foward to. (because my teacher is a girly girl and couldnt stand the heat)

Today

i finally got it super smooth like it should be. i work very slowly, i found out.

not so busy month, yet.

i made a headband.

First 3d Project: Process

Step 1- I had to buy a wooden board for this project. My teacher, Paulo, said we could ask this guy named Chico to make us one for 10 reals. When he said this, he pointed to what seemed at the time to be across the street from the school. After walking around the whole block trying to find a small woodshop where a guy named Chico worked, i ran into this girl that had already bought hers. She took us to Chico, and he was literally right where the teacher pointed to. Theres a little room right across the classroom, apparently he lives and works inside the school. So after i had the board, i put a garbage bag over it (to protect the wood from water, im guessing), and then put the nails in (i havent touched a hammer since 9th grade).

After that i had to begin applying the clay, this took me about 1 hour to get into it, at first i was trying not to get it into my nails. A few hours later i realized that was impossible and i had to stop being such a girl. I got shit all over my hands, ohh and the best part is we cant get clay in the sinks so if we have clay on our hands we cant wash it off in the sink!. So i did what everyone does in a situation like this, i waited till the teacher left the classroom and then washed my hands. i know its horrible and the sink is probably going to start flooding in a few weeks, but as a student i have every right to demand a healthy working enviroment . hahThis is after i applied the first layer of clay. It was a huge work out.