i tell myself to ignore anything that may keep me out of focus,
but am i really ever focused?
i am beggining to doubt that.
maybe what i meant to myself was
my focus in a bright future.
i tend to let anything get in the way,
it makes me think its because i dont really want anything so bad
that makes me work so hard for it.
that makes me insecure and scared.
im turning 20 in a month and i dont know what im doing.
i know a lot of people live their life without knowing,
but somehow that freaks me out.
waking up everyday to horrible news about death, rapes, car accidents and every other freak accident is beggining to scare the shit out of me.
when its sunny outside everything seems better, but all this rain gives the city a really bad smell and a creppy vibe.
i rush though everything when im not home.
i come in late and leave class early everyday because i dont want to be outside.
not that im paranoid, but its giving me such a negative feeling, an urge to leave, i know i cant now, so that only makes me feel worse.
theres no use in discussing something like this.
its one of those things everyone dismisses as stupid or unecessary.
the best you can do is shut up and live with it.
i guess i understand now why brazilians are so happy looking all the time.
they do it to cover up the fact that theyve lost hope in change.
theyve learned to live with all this stress and the best they can do is ignore it all and live their lives the best they can.
maybe this was realized by an earlier generation, and it all got lost through time and now no one really knows whats behind all the partying and living life at ease.
i rather not get involved,
i wanna be the oil in this body of water.
im mixed right now but eventually
ill come out on top.
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